Saturday, August 30, 2003

Haiz... It has been a very very long time since I blogged. I have this inspiration to blog because I really have nothing to do now (other than tutorials), and after looking through my friends' blogs, felt that I have been through the same kind of things as what my friends did. I also felt that same demoralised feelings then. But I must admit that I have survived because of my family and friends. Without their support I don't think I would be myself now. I often expressed as a very cheerful and lame person in school, but actually I have a lot of worries deep down my heart, just like Weixin. But quite a little bit different from him, because I don't use this to conceal my weaker inner self, but, rather, I differentiate my school life from my personal life or spiritual life. At school, I would forget everything bad that is containing in my heart and mind. So you can imagine how depressed I can be at home after school, by reflecting and thinking and analyzing all the events that day and some from the past. It is actually very mind-boggling, so sometimes I can get a very big headache and go to sleep immediately. So perhaps I will reflect most of my true life only after school. And I often soothe myself through chatting, playing games with my friends and recently, blogging. That explains why I am blogging now. So thanks to my 4N friends, I am able to coop myself with "work" to do after school so that I won't be thinking about these matters at home, making myself so depressed. Friends forever :)

Haiz... I really cannot bond with my JC friends better than my secondary school friends. I don't know about others, but personally I felt that my friendship with my new friends absolutely cannot be compared to my old friends. For me, my new friends are mostly PRCs. So we hardly can chat with each other. Then the singaporeans all never use Internet, so I cannot chat with them in my free time. Their topics are always limited to studies. For my gang, I would ask "What are you doing now?". For them they would ask me "Have you done your tutorials?" Got quite irritated about that. They also did not owe any tutorials what, just that they follow the tutorials pace, while I followed the lecture pace. Nothing wrong about that right? You cannot really conclude if one is a mugger or a slacker just by looking at how fast he does his tutorials. Perhaps the fact that I am from GEP actually ostracizes me from them. I really don't want to say that, nor conclude, but this is just how I feel. I got especially hurt in an incident, where after we watched Royston Tan's "Mother", one asked another if he is touched. He said Of course. Then after a series of questions, I looked at him, and he looked at me and said "You won't be touched one lah." I haven't even said one word... That guy may be joking, but I really felt very sad... *sob sob* Why some of them just like to view GEPers with their stereotypes? Even though they don't have any traits of a GEPer? Haiz... But I understand that there are many facets of life, and you cannot control what a person is thinking. And if a person prejudiced happens to be a job interviewer, then good luck loh. That's how luck factor comes in.

Haiz... I don't want to talk about these sad things anymore, or else I would be depressed again. But again, why is JC syllabus so intensive? It leaves us no chance and time to do other things. And with the project work and CIP... I often think why I spend my time on blogging, chatting and playing games, instead of spending these time on "useful" stuff like doing tutorials. I can only give myself a stupid yet I believe is a valid reason "I feel like it." That's me. I believe that if I spend my whole day doing tutorials I will go crazy.

So there. I hope I can relieve my stress during this weekend, and hope that ming2 tian1 hui4 geng4 hao3. Tomorrow will be better. But of course, a phrase which I like most but I don't often do is ai bia jia eh yia.